BADvice: Spring & Summer Edition

Charles M. Shultz (Twitter)

Charles M. Shultz (Twitter)

Miss Guided, Columnist

Falmouth Academy’s favorite columnist, Miss Guided, returns for another edition of BADvice…

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Q: I have really bad senioritis and have been procrastinating homework for weeks! Is there anything I can do to combat the dark pit of emptiness by which I am ever consumed?

A: Well, my therapist gave me some very sage advice about this topic. And I quote: “The only thing that will help you is for the year to be over and for you to have graduated.” I live by those words every day.

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Q: How are we going to do a COVID-safe capture the flag?

A: You know those human sized hamster balls?

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Q: I’m super anxious about bombing my math final.  Any advice?

A: If it makes you feel better, I once got a C on a final that I  had written for myself.  You could call it a miracle but not really something you want to be a miracle.  

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Q:  I hate it when the seniors play spikeball.  They get so loud and disruptive.  Is there any way they could do something else?

A: At this point, spikeball is the glue keeping our grade together.  You take away spikeball and our humanity might dissolve.  It would be a Lord of the Flies situation, and no one wants that.

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Q: I’m really sad about Mr. and Mrs. Swanbeck leaving.  What should I do to cope with my grief?

A: I personally like to gaze at a map of Arizona and silently reminisce.

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Q: What are the awards for recognition day this year?

A: Well, everything’s pretty much the same, except a little insider told me because of COVID we’ve added an entirely new award! It’s called the “a little more than the bare minimum” award, and it goes to the student who maybe wrote three pages of English instead of two or maybe actually paid attention in Zoom school instead of going on Tik Tok. Just a little “thank you” to those who kept up their decency. Who knows, anyone but a senior might receive it!

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Q: I’m a little sad that electives aren’t going to be after school anymore, do you think if I petitioned to have those again to Mr. Green he would concede?

A: Perhaps you could make a case to Mr. Green, but you’re likely to suffer complete ostracism. Have fun in hell, Judas. Spoiling all our fun.